bad medicine

I'm tasting my own medicine these days and it's wonderfully sobering! Being flirted with and still held at an arm's length.. [smile] I guess I've never tried being played before 'cos I've always done all the 'playing'. ....ever read "Forføreren" ("The Seducer") by Søren Kierkegaard?! I guess it's summed up in one sentence (somewhat): thrill of the chase. It's The Game and I've been an egocentric Lord in It for a long time now.

Here's to life!

re-targeting

This innate, continuing striving for Perfection, is it instinct? Why is it in me? Is it a product of my convictions? -my subconscious, perhaps.. Is it God-given?

Whatever the verdict it's there and and the graphics are so good, the edge of the e is razor sharp. I want, I want, I want.. what is it really that I want? I want to be a successful person, son, brother, friend, student and boy-friend.. How? Look at other people. Live for God, and live for them and then tend to yourself. It's basic, it's logical, but it's what makes a real man.

"Live your life so that others succeed."

how can I live without you?

I wish I was in love. I'm not. I doubt I ever will be again.. -can't imagine it!

Still.. I don't wanna be in love! I almost let someone have a go at persuading me but as aforementioned: I don't think I'll ever fall in love again! I don't trust 'being in love.' It's never resulted in anything good so I don't trust it.

I don't wanna be in love again. I don't want anyone to persuade me.. but please do!

...after a party at my school last night. I'm fixed up now though.

the sparse vibes

I have commenced my life as a munk which is why I have not posted here lately.

...well, not really a munk, but it certainly feels like it since I have drawn back somewhat from social activities in an attempt to gain a more rigourous spine, if ya know wot I meen..

to all the ones we've hurt along the way

this other blogger I know recently wrote in her blog:

...i wish people my age would open their eyes...
...and see how much pain they can cause...
...i wish people would do that in general...
...look at the sad world today...

My self-condemnation as of late's been mounting, so to those out there who identify with the above and who might even have been hurt by someone like me: I'm sorry.. We're sorry! We know we cause pain and we desperately regret it but it's hard to be perfect. People cling to us (not saying you do, but some do) and it's hard to facilitate so many people in our lives. It's hard to make everyone happy at once. So we do apologise to you all for the pain we cause.

I do desperately regret it and wish it all undone.

The world looks grim from my point of view right now.. God, I've stuffed up again. Can you save the day again? -cos it's gonna require your miracles again.

Paris - the city of romance? no!

FREAK!! I just wrote a looong post, but these dangin French computers are NOT FOR HUMANS! dah...

neways, I was going on (in good spirits) about how my friend, Filip, and I have hitch hiked to Paris.. -but as my mood is now raging in the gutter your gonna have to wait for it till I get back home.. But then there'll be pix on it too!

For now, I can only say that we're living at a camping ground outside of downtown Paris called, Boulogne, we're spending waaaay to much money and we're lonely. French are snobs, I reckon! But we made it from Randers, Dk, to downtown Paris in 18 hours which's gotta be some kind of record! -with a tourist bus! -FREE!

Most of our time we spend walking around this huge city commenting chicks we see and chicks we know back home! -what can I say?! It's a guy thing I guess.. *grin* Tonite we've got a double date with two Danish girls we met at the Museum de l'Horreur (although they call it a museum of war).. they're somewhere around 25 though! We're just psyched about going to town with ppl we can talk to though! We've arranged to go to a latin jazz club..

Another pastime's just trying to speak French but the French won't speak English and they won't speak to people who don't speak perfect French! gah..

We're counting on leaving for home on Thursday but it's looking to be a tough journey if we aren't lucky enuff to make it with truck driver.. but let's see! More with lots of pix when I get back..

"Joy to the world, the Lord is come..."

leaving for vacation

That's right, folks! I'm going hitch hiking around Europe again this year. It's with the same guy as last year and we're feeling quite well-prepared and ready. As some may know our goal last year was to reach France, but as we took a detour to Berlin where we stayed a couple of days we only made it to Luxembourg City - just 30 clicks away from the French border..

Our goal this year is: Italy! Tadaaa... Let's see how it goes.. posts and pix when I get home in a bit more than a week I should expect.

wish us luck..

how to live

It's 3am and I have school tomorrow so this is what's on my mind:

Two good goals to set for your life (which sum up the law and the prophets):

1. Invest yourself always in your relationship with God instead of striving to become a more moral human being.

(Unless you're a god, it won't work well enough..

plus it sux. Investing in a relationship is much

more fun/rewarding/worth your while. -believe

me, I've tried it both!)

2. Live your life so that others succed.

(I find that I exclaim to my friends more and

more in moments of great honesty that I'm

not succeeding as a person. My economy's at

an all-time low, I'm not doing too well in school

and my social life is devastating. My love for

God's definetely not an adventurous love story!

So instead of focusing on myself why don't I

try taking God's advice and focus on Him and

others? I know it'll work.. I've tried it for short

periods of time.)

a final goodbye to the teens

Yes people, it's my last day as a teenager and it's quite scary to be honest! The symbolic value of turning twenty is huge to me right now: scared, proud, expectant, regretful, glad and fragile. (I can't remember last time I felt small and fragile.....)

Tomorrow morning my family's coming at 7:15am to drink hot chocolate and eat a nice breakfast - like we've always done. [samhørighed] I don't really expect much from my birthday as it's never been a huge deal to us and as always, I know some of what my parents are getting me already.. I like predictability to an extent. It's secure, safe. hmm..

----------------

I've started to shun beauty: sunsets, forests and the like. It's because these beautiful scenes remind me that I'm part of a great love story, but I've felt it so many times and let myself down an equal number of times. One could say that I've broken my own heart by disappointing myself so now I flee the memory, the heartache. 'Cos that's what beauty 'provokes' in me: a heart-sigh to go with God's heart-sigh.

I have a constant nagging feeling of guilt because I ought to be much more than I am: I ought to be a 'safety' for those who are insecure, a father to those who need a father, one who saves the world around him - I ought to be a hero but I'm not.. it's tough being a guy.

I know, I know: there's no condemnation and in Christ I can do anything, and I do believe it. I do believe it..


I pass a landmark, I pass a checkpoint
confirming my stridings so far
It's a time to re-assess and re-address
to re-define and re-align
my life and direction
my purpose and intention
and gather my heart back up.
It's time to decide what a man
I will be for the rest of my time.

old hopeful things

I was at my parent's place the other day. Not too long ago they bought a house that's something like 130 years old. It's a small 2-storey house just across the street from another house we've lived in. Point is that my dad's fixing it up upstairs and he finds these old newspapers. The latest produce from the floorboard underworld is a rather intact local newspaper from May 31. 1931. It's funny to read the Hitler-neutral articles that stand in stark contrast to the history books we read.

Tonight I'm partly sad. Sad because my greatest fear is to be rejected and I feel mildly rejected. [sigh] I just take these things waaay to personal. Plus I long for more than is to be mine. 9th and 10th commandments, right? Vs. the Law of Love. I choose #2. I'm rambling. It's 1am and I slept 4 hours last night. I'm tired. Melancholic. But God's the same and that actually really helps. I've always had hope. Things will always look up again. It'll be alright some day if you have your heart set on it. Really.

"A right heart need not be discouraged for it can rest knowing that it's tragic end will be replaced by a beautiful morning. There's always another morning for a right heart. As long as there is time, there is hope."

My Upcoming B-day!! [yay]

Yup peoples! My 2oth birthday's coming up (30sep) so here's my wish list. Send all prezzies to:

Ivan Saaby Nielsen
Århusvej 24D st.th.
8900 Randers
Denmark

Wishes:
(New) King James Bible with a cover of naturally colored leather. Preferable no more that 20cm high or so.

Hugo Boss perfume - the round SILVER one (NOT the blue). As much as you can afford.

A nice shirt maybe some pants

Shinpads (really good ones) for soccer

Digital dictaphone with USB port and at least 128MB space

New Nokia mobile phone

New Acoustic Guitar: Norman ST-40 with Fishman pick-up, thank you very much!

I really gotta sleep..... more will probably follow. =)

loving

I'm good at people. -when I'm free, that is! I really, really do like people I meet but how does one contain such ardor? I express my appreciation of someone, that someone expects a new flaming relationship (romantic or not) which I cannot 'deliver'.

Now is that a problem with me or with the low love-standard of our society? Should people be more used to being told that they really are appreciated or should I just start being less caring? Cos people are getting hurt when they are let down. I hurt people all the time it seems and it's frustrating because I'm clinched between being myself and being cold.

[sigh]

spiritual revolutions

Who was it that said that throughout one's relationship with God one undergoes several spiritual revolutions? Some author, can't remember, but I do find it true. Less than a week ago I heard a good local preacher speak about... uhh... well, I guess he just spoke about a lot of the common misconceptions we have about what it means to [cliché:] 'walk with the Lord.'

One thing that was renewed to my understanding was the basic element of love in my perception of my Father in heaven. I recognise that the love in my heart to God has gone cold because my life has turned to be about pleasing myself. All this is really basic to all those of us who've grown up within church walls. To me it's a big issue though!

Just a couple of days I was sitting in my car with one of my two best friends talking about our friendship from every conceivable angle. Why, what and when it was: our friendship. Our motives etc. Whenever we talk we usually end up in a rather melancholic mood, but this time it was worse. When I think back over my life I am shocked to find out that I haven't really retained my friendship with any of my childhood friends. The main reason that we are still friends is because we attend the same church. The point is that I've always been a really lame friend. I.. I didn't really know what it was until it occured to me that day in the car: my life is about me. I have friends to keep my sanguine fear of rejection at bay (my biggest fear: rejection). I don't serve them. They serve me. I invest my time and energy in them for immediate emotional gain. I kid you not!

This, of course, is reflected in my relationship with God. I serve Him only for my own sake. No, I haven't crucified my flesh and taken up my cross. Aye, I just wanna be really good friends with the Spirit, because I recognise that He deserves it. -because I love Him.

Yet there is still hope:

"As long as there is time there is hope."

standard fill #1

My goodness, did I really leave for 10 days with such a violent post?! I'm still alive though.. -I wish I could say 'alive and well' but I'm not really well. Scraping by I must admit!

I have this thing about evolution nowadays though! Here's an excellent article entitled "Challenging Darwinian Fundamentalism - Intellectuals Who Find Darwinism Unconvincing"
Read it! I give the Theory of Evolution 10 years...

Homework.. essays.. music assignments.. life? hmm..

_ivan